Black Holes and Frustrations

It's hard to believe that I only have 2 1/2 weeks left on my internship.  I wish that I felt confident about what I'm going to do after it's all over, but I don't.  In fact, I'm utterly terrified about what will come once August 16th rolls around. 

I like my internship, but it is kind of far away.  The Chef has made fairly definitive statements about keeping me on, but he hasn't made me an official offer and has also said that if I stayed, he could probably only keep me on part-time.  This doesn't exactly thrill me because I've been running myself ragged with the internship and the part-time job I already have as it is, and was really looking forward to having 1 full-time job.  If it's my only option, of course I'll do it, but I hope that it doesn't come to that.  Also, the office manager at the aforementioned pt job is hassling me about staying longer than I'm hoping to.  I asked if I could have 2 days off to go to my camp reunion in August, and she basically said I could only take those days off if I stayed there till at least Sept. 15th.  Then when I said I couldn't definitively say that I could be there till then, she started giving me this speech about how she, "did me a favor" by giving me a job, knowing that it wouldn't only be for a certain period of time, etc.  It took me a little while to wrap my head around her saying that, but I eventually came back and told her that I wasn't trying to give her the run around, but that I hadn't had any official job offers from bakeries - full or part-time, and that my main priority is to have a full-time income because, seriously, I'm running out of money.  I hope that she really heard me because I'm really scared about what's going to happen and how I'm going to have money coming in.

I got my self all jumped-up about going home to Buffalo after my internship, but now that almost seems laughable given the severely limited amount of income that I currently have.  Not to mention the fact that I'd have to quit my pt job, because there's no way that the office manager will give me that amount of time off now.  I keep trying to come up with ways of increasing my income, trying to sell more goods on etsy, selling things I don't use anymore on ebay, etc. but I doubt that I'd be able to turn enough of a profit to have it make a difference, plus I'm stretched so thin as it is, I don't see myself having enough time to make that much stuff.

The other thing that's got me wrapped up is that the Chef at my internship asked me what I wanted to do with my career.  I told him that I really wanted to get more experience with cakes - baking, decorating, etc. So...he told me that he could probably get me connected with another chef he knows for a position at his bakery.  A really famous chef....super well known cake person, so much so that I don't even want to mention their name.  What's wrong with this picture?  Well, the position he'd possibly be able to get me is another internship.  AKA - I will not be getting paid.  I hate to admit it, but right now I'm more than a little jealous of the other people starting out in this industry who are still living at home in with their parents.  Even the Chef at my internship said that one of the reasons he was able to get so much quality experience when he started out was because he was 19-20 years old and still living with his parents.  I just cannot continue to only make a part-time salary, but the thought of passing up this internship (if it comes through) makes me physically sick to my stomach.  Deep down I know that if I want to get to a certain level, and am willing to work hard enough to make it happen, that I'll be able to achieve it without this shot, but right now that's a little hard to accept.

Sorry for being such a downer today, I guess it can't always be sunshine and puppies.  I'll keep you all posted on what happens and what I decide to do.  I'm desperate to get home to Buffalo for a visit, hopefully I won't have to wait till my birthday in September, but if I at least get to go then, so be it. 

I'll have funnier stories for you in the next post - promise.